Today was bad.
I reached home at about 8.30 pm from school.
A classmate confronted me today in a nasty manner.
Its funny how words from someone so insignificant in my life, can make or break your day.
I didn’t see that coming. Totally didn’t. I was just left speechless for a minute.
“You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again got me feeling like I’m nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard, calling me out when I’m wounded
You, pickin’ on the weaker man

Why you’ve gotta be so mean?”

Continue, Taylor…
Have your ever ever got the feeling when you scroll through your whole contact list in your phone in times of need and find that you have no one to call? Because I do. And I scroll back and forth, back and forth, back and forth so many times through my 500+ contacts in my phone and I just don’t know who to call. Because there’s no one. No one at all. Absolutely….nobody.
Yes, I do have a lot of friends, surface friends, that is. (and by surface friends I don’t mean to call my friends fake, they’re just not on a deeper level with me) I’m sociable, people know I can talk to people without feeling shy almost instantly, but who doesn’t nowadays? Its that one true friend that matters.
I don’t mind being alone sometimes. I don’t get it, its been what? 4 months and I still don’t fit in sometimes. Friendships where you just joke around and have fun…they’re great but they make me feel even more alone. I feel that its the connection, the heart to heart talk and the support in times of troubles that links friendships.
But who wants to read me like a book? Ain’t got time for that. Nobody wants to read a complicated and thick book. Nobody wants to read a person like me who likes to reflect on life so deeply and relate everything that happens in my human relationships to a Taylor Swift song. Because they find it too tedious. They just prefer to have friends that laugh it off, play and joke…of course we can play and joke, but what is play and joke when you’re playing and joking all the time? I don’t get it. Some people can label their friend a “best friend” when all they does is play and joke. If there’s no hardships and confessions, how can she understand you well enough? If so, how can she be your “best friend”?
But sometimes when you feel emptiness, when you feel alone, you are really alone. As you grow up, you find that life is just learning to be independent. I’m no longer the little girl that comes home crying to her mum.
I’m glad that everything’s cleared out in the end and the air is clear, I’m glad I did ask my group members for their opinions directly because I didn’t want any secrets. I want harmony between the group because we are a group no matter what and I’m so glad I mustered up my courage to ask. And my group member actually told me the truth and honestly how she felt in a nice way. I guess group work is all about learning, and at least I had the opportunity to apologize to whoever deserves my apology in the end.
There’s bond to be depressing times when I feel I’m not as bonded as my group members, hence not as enthusiastic and hence the half-heartedness…
Hurtful words being thrown to me today like “maybe you should just go home” aren’t the key thing…I think the lesson learnt is everyone will say hurtful words at one point in time. We will all fall short of perfection, and me expecting polite and nice words isn’t the key thing as well. But I think the key thing is forgiveness, reflection and change in myself, so that God can heal me and is willing to heal all of us. When I was really angry, I retorted and I found everything ridiculous. I was so, so lost for words and I asked why are there such people in the world, God? But sometimes, I look at myself too and I realised EVERYBODY have a purpose in this world, NOBODY has the right to question anyone’s existence. It is wrong.
But I’ve learnt 2 valuable lessons. One, is that no matter how alone we are in life, God is always with us and will never forsake us. I’m not being religious but God is really my best friend. Everyone(including myself) should make an effort to say kind words and be kind to one another, to make this world a better place.
And two…..is that…
“people can say whatever they want about us, at any time and we cannot control that. The only thing we can control is our reaction to it. And I figured that we have 2 options: you can either let it get to you, let it change you, let it make you better or not trust people, or….you can descend into insanity—if you want—and option 2: is that you just shake it off.”
-Taylor swift
This was what Taylor said during this morning’s livestream. I guess everything is so perfect in its own timing and Taylor released this relatable song right in the middle of the shit that happened today. “Haters gonna hate” is really a line that is so coincidental and this line “just shake it off”..its Taylor’s best advice for me and its truly today’s gift indeed.