I’m not supposed to write all this and I’m not supposed to even think about it or entertain these thoughts and I’m not supposed to let this get to my head so much but what’s done is done. Things might be the same as before, but since young I’ve been releasing my feelings through writing and I really need this space now. Anyone who’s uncomfortable can just leave.

Wednesday

I was sitting on the wooden bench, I wanted to run so so so badly af but there’s no turning back.
My friend had gone to fetch him.
By placing my own hand on my heart, I actually think that I can stop it from thumping so wildly like the pressure’s gonna rip my ribcage apart any moment.

Thump thump, thump thump.

This heart thumping feeling is real.
This heart thumping feeling I read in novels are also real.
And the songs. I thought everyone in Hollywood was just exaggerating this feeling and yeah everyone must be bluffin’ their way out but; its real.

Its amazing how one person can make my heart beat so fast as if it’s functioning for you.

I’ve ran the scene in my head thousands of times prior, had the first few lines planned out and rehearsed it in my mind. However saying what I’m supposed to say was probably one of the hardest things in the universe when those eyes began staring at me. And then I began to doubt if I really forgot the English Language at that point in time, I can’t control my movements and its so damn scary and I couldn’t believe I actually thought beforehand that I’ll do just fine BUT I was tongue tied last minute.

He wasn’t that prepared either, but I’m probably in a worse shape than him.

I bite my lips and it takes everything in me to hold back my tears.

“Are you crying? Don’t cry.”
“No….I’m not. I won’t cry.”
No because if I cry in front of you, its gonna make you feel guilty and I really don’t want that.

“You don’t have to be ashamed.”
“No…I’m not ashamed.”
I think fearless is daring to love even though you know its not gonna be a happy ending.

“I’m really sorry…”
“No, don’t have to be.”

“Are you gonna be okay?”
“……..yeah”
No. No. No. I’m obviously not okay but its okay.

 

I knew I was pale and my heart’s beating so fast and hammering against my chest I couldn’t even breathe properly. My hands are turning ice cold so I rubbed them together but it didn’t help at all in creating heat. He kept checking on me but I refused to look into his eyes and I looked down. He told me that I’m really shaking and that’s when I realized I was really shivering all over. Shall not get into it further but I know I’m brave enough, courageous enough, fearless enough.