Just wanted to write something about Thursday that’s worth noting down.
There’s something special about last Thursday because we went to school feeling like a zombie. Not just any other zombie, but a living-and-walking-and-dead-tired-zombie. And even that is an understatement. I mean, there’s a lot of times where we go to school feeling tired and like a zombie, but this time’s completely different because I’ve never felt like that in my whole life before.
I didn’t sleep on Monday night because I was rushing 2DMG, I didn’t sleep on Tuesday night because I was rushing DCC, I didn’t sleep on Wednesday night because I was rushing DS. Then it feels like all my life was just rushing, rushing, rushing. My life’s a rush, been a rush. My friends and I was just trying so desperately to cram in everything; c’mon man, 4 submissions in a week are you kidding me?
I went 3 days continuous without sleeping for the first time in my life. And each time I do it, each time I beat myself to it one more time. Every single time, lethargy gets to me and it freaking sucks the energy out of me until all that’s left is your body wrestling with your mind. One night’s just worse than the next, but I can’t stop because all along I’ve been mistreating myself for the sake of design. I can’t even get even with myself.
The first night I began to get headaches, then the second night I began to do things and stuff without even knowing/remembering it and the third night; finally—which was also the worst—I began to hallucinate. I did take naps though, slept from 11.30pm-1am and then dragged myself up from bed again to last through the long, sickening night. And trust me, the worst thing’s forcing yourself out of your bed. I did sleep for short intervals, but they’re usually 2-3 hours long and after I get up at, say, 2am, I’ll have to work all the way till dawn breaks again and then get ready for school.
Both Jengwen and Zaf didn’t sleep as well and it has been a physical, mental and emotional toil on us.
Can I say I’ve been through living hell before? Because I’m exhausted, I can feel my head pounding and this constant headache that wouldn’t go away. The sides of my head got so tense, it was a splitting headache that nothing except sleep can cure, not even food. We felt sick, and we looked like patients in the hospital with a pale face. Due to time limits, I didn’t eat much that week though.
Lunch: Butter cake
Dinner: Apple pie
Just tired, hungry, sick.
I felt that all three of us could literally collapse, but all we have is each other and what else can we do besides supporting each other? At least we know each of us are going through the same thing. But something about Thursday was that I hallucinated a lot in class. Nonetheless, we stayed back in school to work on our projects till 8.30pm. I struggled a lot, mainly with keeping awake? I’m only human, I crash and I break down. I’m not a machine. That’s is the physically torturing part.
The emotional torture part was much worse. It had no mercy on Jengwen and I, basically because we’re dealing with serious stress issues AND a last minute crisis. We desperately needed to print by Thursday, but circumstances don’t allow that. It was so late by the time we completed our work and all the shops were closed. In despair, we called the Queenstown printing shop and they said we could go over, and they would offer their services (they close at 10pm)
But sadly that was not to be. We almost got into a heated argument with the auntie, because she spoke to us in a rather impatient and nasty tone. She who refused to help us even though we’re begging her and giving a whole load of excuses when it’s only 9pm. I was doing my work on the floor, did you think she was moved after looking at our pathetic state? No. She even had the cheek to say, “Why not ask your teacher for a deadline extension?”
You’ll see, we’re two very distressed youth running around, and I wasn’t disappointed that she refused to print for us, I was more unhappy with the fact that she promised my friend she’ll do so over the phone. We rushed down for nothing, wasting time makes me feel unproductive. At the end of the day, Jengwen and I were so pissed off that situations had lead us on a wild goose chase. Jengwen called Zaf and she sounded so frustrated over the phone as well. On top of our sleepless nights, everything was not working well. By hook or crook, we need a backup plan fast.
We contemplated going back to school to print, but it was so late, we’ll risk getting caught by security at 11pm. If no one is in the studio, nobody’s gonna open the door for us. It was late at night, so we went searching for the nearest eatery. We went in Jack’s place, and ordered cream fish and fries. Rest at last. The only good thing about that whole day was the food.
Then I said if there’s nothing to be thankful for today, let’s remember at least we had good food in front of ourselves. I saw from opposite me Jengwen looks so grim, so I stopped talking. I wanted to comfort her but nothing seems to light up her dull face. We’re tired after a long hard week, and we had every single right in the world to feel not cheered up, but I just thought…we should just count our blessings instead. People in the 3rd world countries don’t even get the opportunity to study and learn even if they want to. And here am I eating Jack’s place. Who are we to complain?
Decided to do research on the bus but I couldn’t cuz its just too tiring after going strong for 3 days. The whole world decides to crash down at that moment, and Jengwen said there’s another nightmare waiting for us when we get home because we have to settle the printing issues and get sorted out tomorrow. I downed the Starbucks that Josilyn gave me to stay awake, caffeine doesn’t seem to help anymore if I use it too often.
There’s something about late night thoughts y’know, like I don’t know if you guys get all this but there’s this period of the day where you start reflecting on life (usually happens at night) and you feel you need to do some soul searching. Don’t get me wrong, I really LOVE design, but there’s just bigger dreams I’m afraid to name. Don’t you have bigger dreams?
Then things start flooding in. I can think about anything under the sun if the critical 2am time is here, like there’s more to life than a GPA 4.0 right? I told Jengwen, “Sometimes I’m wondering why are we doing all this. Why are we so distressed over it? Why are we rushing around like idiots? Is it going to matter 10 years from now?”
We rush because we want to submit in time. We want to submit in time because we want to get a good GPA. We want to get a good GPA for our future jobs’ sake. But does it matter? I’ve long ago come to the conclusion that employers in the design field value your portfolio and experience more than your grades. It’s different from business, from sciences and academic based things. But that’s not going to stop us from working hard.
So what is GPA 4.0?