Hope is a dirty 4-letter word

“19 is the age where I begin to question life. Why is life like this? Why do they leave? Why are there chapters in life? Why do street lights shine so bright? Why do people fall in love why do people forgive why do people have sex? Why do I do wrong things that felt so right?”



Here am I, sitting on a beach facing the river, with a splendid view and a beer in hand.

The night is mine to keep. It’s so comforting—the night—I don’t wanna go home, not just yet. I want to be able to sit with my thoughts and not feel crazy. With Timbre song dedications playing in the background, I tell myself embrace moments like this because serenity at night is so hard to find. Me time is hard to find.

Here am I taking in the night breeze, watching small river cruises passing by, couples walking along the river hand in hand….oh how I wish you were here with me but then I kid myself not.

I began to plan my route home, I don’t mind walking. In fact I love walking, observing people and taking in everything-the cultures, night life, the warmth of a bar and smell of delicious tapas in the air. I decided to take the route across the bridge and pass the bars and pubs, it’s a long walk but I do certainly hope it’s worth it—maybe even pick up some interesting drinking places to hang with my friends next time.

What’s that distant place in the distance with the fairy lights on the roof top? It looks so surreal and whimsical, some place I would love to go to.

After talking to Edmond today, it made me realise a lot of things. After hearing army from another perspective, how tough and strict life is there, I became more empathetic. I knew it today. Of course I might never fully understand, I’m a girl; I’ve never been through BMT&shit before nor will I in future; Edmond told me many couples broke up because the guys can’t provide their girlfriends with the attention and love they need when they’re having such a hard time themselves.

“Can you imagine exercising for the whole day, after that still have to queue like so long to bathe, by the time you’re done you alr wanna crash lol. Damn little free time, I call my mother I no time call girl leh. If he texts you after 10.30pm, you should be thankful already sia. It’s considered late. If he’s caught using his phone when he’s not supposed to, kena punishment or worse, confinement. Damn sad one lah”


I want so bad to support you through army, maybe you were insecure that we won’t last, and I’m sorry; I’m sorry I didn’t even get to try and I’m sorry that didn’t happen.

The flurry of bright neon lights from the hype of the bars reflected in the water, and dissolved like glitter of a thousand colours whenever a boat passed by. The water calms me, it calms my nerves and the skyscrapers remind me of Hong Kong, although I have never been there before.

So here we go again.


  1. You will probably never know who i am cause we both havent met but i feel that we are really similar and that i would really want to give you a big hug and tell you that everything will be okay. Have faith.



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