I really need to speak up more.

I’ve just returned from a meeting with the team to plan my Myanmar Missions Trip this December, and I am utterly disappointed in my own behaviour.

The whole time I’ve been sitting there with burning thoughts and questions and ideas and desires in my head but none of them made it through out my mouth, sadly. When they asked for volunteers for certain roles, I opened my mouth but no words came out. I have no idea why!! I’m going to Myanmar with a group of people whom I have never met before, people who came together for a common purpose-to bless the people of Myanmar-and would probably be especially lovely and non-judgmental. So why did I not react as I had expected? I am not an especially quiet or Introverted person in general but I am just so shy in all of the recent meetings. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything-it wasn’t because I have nothing to say, in fact words were already stringing itself at the tip of my tongue. As a result of this I have landed myself in a position where I’m unhappy with my role in the Christmas skit and dissatisfied that I’m unable to get the main role as a photographer and instead ended up being in charge of the Scribe.

“Ask and you shall receive.”

This is true huh. Apparently I did not😦

Ok I don’t want to sound like a total brat. Im sorry.

I know how easy it is to say it is God’s plan and role for you, we ought to just accept it and do it with a willing heart. Of course I wouldn’t mind settling for those roles I’m currently with, we’re all serving out of God’s love anyway; but I couldn’t help thinking I could do something more-something I’m actually more interested in. After all, we should use our skills and talents appropriately and maximise them for the sake of the group right? For example, i feel that I could fulfill so much potential if I were to take up the role as I had photography lessons in school before. Furthermore, it’s my passion.

When it was time to pray, my team leader gathered us into a circle and said, “whoever who felt God’s prompting can just pray, and I’ll close.” One by one my team members started praying. In the midst of it all, I felt the pressure and the need to pray, and my brain began churning out areas where I felt that I should pray about. I really wanted to pray, to contribute and to have that peace that at least I would have done something edifying in the whole meeting, at least I would have encouraged the team. Soon, it was only me, and another guy left. All of my members have finished praying. I finally bucked up the courage to open my mouth, but it was too late: My team leader interjected and it was time for her to close.

I closed my mouth.

I have burning questions which I wanted to ask, suggestions which I felt should be made; and I wanted to stay back after the whole meeting to discuss with my team leader privately: “maybe I finally get a chance,” I thought. But no. After everything ended, there was a gathering of the medical team which I wasn’t part of, I wanted to wait until my team leader was available as she is in the medical team. But they continued talking for a long time and I was feeling tired after a long day.

And finally, I succumbed and went home.

I ruined my last chance for myself.