I am so upset today.
This few days had been bad days, although filled with wonderful events that genuinely made me happy. In my opinion, any unproductive day = a bad day.
I don’t know why but I’ve been very unproductive this month. Or maybe my expectations of myself just hasn’t been realistic enough. I need to get started on my work, finish watching my books and movies, do my devotional, and everything i need to complete before I sleep-yet I always fail to do so and end up disappointing myself.
I am currently in the school library typing this. Was supposed to attend a lecture today at 9am but ended up waking up late. “So I’ll just go for the tutorial,” I thought. I don’t know how I estimated the bus time wrongly, so I went out just to see the bus drive past before my eyes. So I decided to run for the train instead. The train station was 15 minutes away from my house, so I ran.
That’s when an excruciating pain came over me, I tripped and fell.
Fresh blood oozed from both my knees and my palms. To save myself from embarrassment, I picked myself up and screamed internally. I limped slowly. I was never going to make it in time. I have failed myself yet again.
I don’t know why but time is just so short here, eat, sleep, go out, repeat, and when I come back I just crash with absolutely no zeal to complete what I have to complete at home. Time is just not enough here. Last night, I stayed up till 3am to complete my tasks, but my efforts were futile.
When I came here, I told myself the purpose of coming is to enjoy university life to the fullest and not be too hard on myself when it comes to grades. My expectation is low- I am just looking for a pass. I am looking for a more holistic purpose for coming to Australia- not just for university, but for travel, for experience, for friends, for exposure and personal growth and development. For experiencing overseas uni as a whole.
So I don’t know why am I still unable to let go the importance of grades in my life. It is like a drug, that if I start pursuing it, I can’t stop.
When I finally reached the station, I cried. I cried not because of the pain in my knee but because of how I am sorry towards my body. I am sorry Grace, that I’m not able to care for you as well as mum did. I am sorry for the crappy meals I cooked alone. I am sorry that I made you run for buses, run for trains, only to be panting at the end as you watch the bus drive off (I never caught a train when I was late either). Most of all, I am sorry that I ruined your knees by falling today.
I am just angry that I allowed school and grades to do all this to me. I ran for the bus to get to uni on time. I fell because I was scared that I can’t make it for class. I ran for the train because I need to listen to that lecture otherwise I’ll fall behind. You probably have no idea: I feel SO CRAPPY everytime I run. I felt like I was in high school again. I felt uncomfortable both physically and emotionally. I feel stressed out and pressurised. Why can’t I relax? School, so what? Got a lesson to catch, so what? Is it worth compromising your health and overall well being?
“Are you okay? Oh dear,” an old white woman, back hunched, noticed my bleeding knees in the lift and was genuinely concerned. Tears welled up in my eyes again. I thought of my friends in Singapore. I thought of my family.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said with a half-laugh. “I fell.”
She was so concerned. I can see it in her eyes. I feel that any small amount of genuine concern, even from a stranger, was enough to make me burst into tears at this point.
I got two boxes of band-aids from the chemist on the way and forgot my antiseptic. I locked myself in a cubicle, cleansed it and used so many tissues to stop the bleeding till everything on the floor was strewn with blood. I don’t know if this wound would last me till I reach home, or if I should go to the clinic later, but this is really the last thing I want to stress about amidst all the other thousand and one things on my plate right now.
I just love myself. I want to do myself a favour, I want to care for myself better.
When I finally reached school at 11.40am, it was too late to go for class. Ironically, I didn’t even make it for the class I have been running for (and sacrificed my knees for).
October is crazy. I feel like I’m walking on a tightrope, and it might break any instant.