9.01am

Heavy heart yesterday.

Already woke up in the morning with a bad start, spent about 1 hour in bed wondering if mental health is a good excuse not to do my assignments and not to go to school…

But I ended up pulling myself out of bed and going to school anyway, not only that but gathering the strength to complete 2 of my assignments due yesterday. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, so I hope that’s progress. I’m not sure how well I did for my assignments, but I gotta give myself credit for completing them huh 😅

The news came yesterday. A beloved, well-respected pastor from my Singapore church had passed away and is home with the Lord. He died just one day before Good Friday.

Pastor John was a good pastor. He leads me on the mission trip to Myanmar in end-2017 along with Aunty Lucy and the others, and we had such an amazing time reconnecting, He knew me since I was four, in the church kindergarten, and saw me grow up into a young lady. He knew my parents, my godparents. They were good friends. When I went back to Singapore in February, I had chatted with him in church. He’s doing so well, but never did I expect that would be the last time I would ever see or talk to him again.

It was so sudden, I was studying with my friend when my dad whatsapped me. I was in shock, I didn’t know what to do.

Well, at least not on earth. I know I would see him again in heaven. In fact, there will be a lot of people that will be waiting for me in heaven if I get there late, and a lot of people I will be waiting for if I get there early. What is joyful about Pastor John’s passing is that I know where he has gone, I know we will all see him again, and I know he is in very, very good hands.

Sometimes I have trouble in believing in such an abstract concept of heaven and earth, and doubts do arise when not everyone on earth believes in the same thing you do. But isn’t that faith? Believing in things you cannot see.

What scares me is not his passing, but how sudden it is, and how he passed away (which I will not mention here due to privacy).

“…yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.”
-James 4:14

If there’s any realest statement in the bible, this is the one. O trust me, I know this. True war stories taught me all. Military servicemen dying in training, in combat, without saying goodbye to their families. A gunshot might happen so fast they don’t even realise they are dying. No last words, nothing. Prisoners of war living and never knowing if the sunrise they see each day would be their last. War cheapens lives.

One of the hard truths that people know but refuse to believe in it. People spend their whole life pursuing things—work, money, success, fame, relationships—without realizing that they might die anytime. I have a lot of friends like this. You never know how to live unless you know how to die.

Our time here is limited, and how many of us waste our days away meaninglessly? I ask myself: why should I waste my days meaninglessly when I know life is a great gift, why should I spend my time trying to get to one destination when I could enjoy the now, enjoy the process? Not saying we shouldn’t pursue things or set goals, but we should never let these things get in the way of our happiness and living the now.

I guess I have to get going now hahah. This weekend is a long easter weekend so I can blog more about my Singapore trip and my past birthday week. Hopefully, I can catch up on my reading, some war movies as well! Hehe.