“For I hold you by your right hand— I, the Lord your God. And I say to you, ‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you.”
“So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.”
“The Lord is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation; this is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.”
Came across three verses yesterday, all with the same theme.
I want to blog about yesterday.
May came over to my house really early in the morning. I have to move out of my place soon and is currently searching for a house. The day before Sarah and I went around Marsfield, inspecting houses. We went to 3 places and despite 2 of them being really satisfactory, I wasn’t mentally prepared to move.
When May was concluding the conversation by praying for me, she said something that made me feel really uncomfortable in my prayers, “Lord, she is growing. And growth is painful. Help her to embrace these experiences.”
I guess why that made me so uncomfortable because deep down I know it’s true. I know I am growing. I can feel that tugging on my heart every day, the kind of stretching on the soul that does not crush it but makes it stronger. Sometimes I wish I would not grow. I don’t want to grow up, not because it’s painful, but because if I don’t grow up, I can have the things I want instead of having these things taken away from me. It seems like the life I have in the past is better than the life I have now (on the surface). For that, I hate that the Lord planned my growth chart. I resented him, but I also know He loves me.
Yesterday was also Anzac day. Samantha and I went to the city to pay respects to those who lost their lives in the war.
Besides that, it was a really unproductive day. Somehow I got really tired halfway and seeing certain things had triggered me and paralyzed me with fear and anxiousness again, and I didn’t really have much appetite for dinner. Didn’t feel very well physically, so after dinner, we went home.
As I was walking to the train platform, two drunk guys saw me and said “Hello” in a really wild, crazy way. I ignored them and walked past. They said in a mocking and dramatic tone, “Oh my god, why did you ignore us? That’s so rude!” That made my mood 10 times worse. Why can’t some guys just respect girls?
I felt bad for Samantha. I was with her, right here right now, yet I am not living in the full experience. My mind was somewhere else, worrying about things in the future that I cannot change and cannot predict. I felt like I had wasted her time. Why? Why do we let our future desires quench our thirst for the living now?
I logically reasoned: my time in Australia is limited. I don’t have much time here. These friends— Yin Mei, Sarah, Melanie, Kerri, Samantha, my housemates—I don’t have much time with them left. I am pretty sure when I go back to Singapore, I would miss studying in Australia. I would miss all the advantages: the slow-paced life, the good cold weather, having seats in the train…most of all, having freedom from parents and freedom to have alone time, to think, to have personal space for development. I am also sure I would miss the friends here. So why am I thinking about going back to Singapore? Why am I worried about what would happen when I return?
Samantha is sitting in front of me, right now. Why don’t I cherish her now?
It’s ironic really, that I am living my dream now and yet instead of enjoying what I’ve worked so hard for, I am chasing after another dream. I am begging God for another dream. It just shows how sinful humans are, how deceitful our hearts are and how easily are we not satisfied. We covet, we are greedy, and we always want more.
Samantha said something yesterday, that there are so many things that we take for granted, so many things that we can be thankful for, and we should, because it would really change our perspective greatly. For example, being here in this beautiful country. Or, in my case, getting a really good internship. Living in a really comfortable house. God providing financial resources. Friends and family that love me and care for me. So many things I can be thankful for. “Sometimes you forget how badly you wanted it in the first place and how much you’ve worked to get there,” she said. That hit me. I am in Australia, I am living my dream. This is the dream that I have thought in the past, that once I got it, I wouldn’t need anything else. My dream since 15. My dream of 6 years before it came true. This long-term goal and wish that had God granted me, I had forgotten to be thankful for. I had also forgotten how hard I cried and prayed over it, as well as the hard work I took to get here. I should be thankful and should live it to the full.