Animal Farm

It was in my literature class that when I first read animal farm.

I learnt a lot, from animal farm. I learnt the idea of propaganda, the meaning of a utopia, and things like metaphors and irony. it not only presents me with great vocab but most of all, themes like dictatorship and totalitarianism that would be important to me throughout my University life.

I also find myself growing increasingly interested in history (particularly war) and politics nowadays. Blogging about a book review from my high school class is the last thing I’ve imagined myself to do, but I’m so glad I decided to pick this book up and re-read it all over again.

I first read it when I was 14, and under the pressure of exams and deadlines based on this book, was unable to appreciate it. There were some political concepts I was too young to grasp, or maybe too dumb hahah. Now I could appreciate it so much better.

How to fall in love

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I haven’t read Cecelia Ahern in such a long time, I have forgotten how her fairytale-like novels used to blow me away with its perfect fusion of reality and the unimaginable. They are like fairytales but like, realistic fairytales. Unlike Disney ones that whisk us off to some fantasy world, cecelia ahern’s tales are fairy tales with a realistic and practical setting, fairytales in real life.

The thing about Cecelia Ahern’s books is that it is very easy to read. I never realised this before because I have taken such a long hiatus from reading her books (my last book was one hundred names, about 2 years ago) that maybe my vocabulary has increased ever since, or that my command of the English language has improved so much ever since I came to uni, that made her books seem easier to read now. I finished it in two days.

Even when my English was poor in the past, I got what she was trying to say. I have started reading her books since I was 13 years old and struggled a little. Then, it got better. They are simpler than most books like ‘The Hobbit’ or ‘Pride and Prejudice’, no fancy metaphors, no crazy jargons so she made it really enjoyable and effortless to follow through the story and even, devour it in one sitting. I love it.

But it’s her narratives that’s deep. She twists the storyline in such a magical and unexpected way.

How to Fall in Love, as misleading as the title appears, is not a guidebook about how to fall in love with people. It’s a fictional story about a woman who shows a man how to fall in love with his own life. It has themes, about suicide, mental illness…themes that i have come into close contact for the past few days. I found it peculiar regarding this recurring theme appearing in my life for the past one week.

Ironically, the book even said, “lightning never strikes twice”, meaning the same highly unlikely event never happens to the same person twice. Untrue. I can’t believe I heard of some kind of death/mental illness over the same short span of one week.

Firstly, a close friend confided to me that she was diagnosed with anxiety. Then, I read a book about eating disorders, and the second book (this one) about suicide. I went to FOCUS and the message that day happened to be about how to help ourselves/our friends struggling with depression and anxiety. And to sum up my great experience, I heard about two deaths on the same day yesterday, one of which due to suicide.

I don’t know if its just purely coincidental but I don’t think so. If these incidents say anything at all, it is saying that depression, mental illness and suicide is common and everywhere, something prevalent as an issue and something to be taken seriously. It is an issue to be sensitive about.

I can’t help thinking that this is my calling, at least for now. To show support and love to those going through hard times or have lost their loved ones. To show support and care to those going through mental illnesses. I want to.

In the book, Christine wants to help Adam, who tried to commit suicide a few days ago. In doing so, she tries desperately to “fix” him, but the part I liked most was the argument presented that you can’t fix people and they need to help themselves. Christine was a fixer, like me. I always wanted to bring out the best in people. I never left a guy I dated in the past, thinking I could “fix” him. That, obviously, led to my own destruction. Truth is, you can’t “fix” a person that doesn’t want to be helped.

Cecelia Ahern actually read up professional help about suicide before writing this book. The best ways to help a suicidal person is to confine yourself to being there for him, listening to him, supporting him, but whatever you do, stop trying to fix him before it gets too far. Be a friend to them, and let them do the work themselves. Be there for him. That’s all.

As I said, I was always a fixer. I love to help people but sadly not many people come to me for advice and help. When asking if there’s anything wrong, replies like these would always be heard:
“I tend to keep things to myself, its a habit”
“I don’t want to burden other people.”

You know what? Bullshit.

All these are bullshit. I have heard these so many times, it makes my blood boil. Have you ever thought that in the midst of not wanting to burden people, you keep things from them and actually cause them to worry about you even more? Have you thought that by not confiding to me, it actually makes me feel more guilty, makes me question if I am a good friend, and whether there was trust in our friendship in the first place? Have you ever thought that ironically, it is in all these “I don’t want to burden others” talk, that you actually made me feel EVEN MORE burdened?! Geez.

I think it is in mutual confiding that makes a friendship stronger. Both parties have to confide their problems to each other. I used to have a friend which is a really good listener, gives perfect advice and thus always gives me the solace I needed when I turned to him about my issues. But he never did the same. He was always listening, always helping, but never unloading his burdens onto me. I don’t feel honoured. In fact, it wasn’t that he didn’t have any problems, he did, but he just…does not talk about them to me, even when prompted. He thought it was helping me, that he doesn’t like to burden people, but y’know what? This attitude of self-sufficiency (thinking that you don’t need anyone) is just…destructing for a friendship. Friends are supposed to be there for one another. Unloading burdens onto another friend’s shoulder is an honourable thing. It means that you’re worthy enough, trustable enough to shoulder that person’s load.

Soon after, I stopped confiding in him. Why? Because what’s the point if it’s one-sided? I felt guilty—guilty for always bothering him with my problems when he never bothered me with his. (if he reads this, good, because I would like to see a behaviour change LOL) Have you ever thought that by not confiding in your friend, you think you are giving them a huge favour but no, you’re just making sure they feel more guilty? Soon after your friends are going to think twice before always coming to you for help because they feel bad about always being at the receiving end. This is guilt tripping in its finest form. Not cool.

…..That day another incident happened again: a close friend of mine chooses to call another friend after a bad day instead of me, when I have been sitting beside in the taxi beside her all along. I feel so bad. SO so bad. When she was in the car I noticed she was a little moody. She could’ve confided in me then. But no, she went home, called the other friend and cried over the phone. “Nah I don’t really tell people my problems,” she said. “Habit,” she added.

“Well, yeah, it seems like all of my friends have that habit,” I wanted to say. I am so sick with people not telling me what’s wrong.

I know the fault doesn’t lie with her that I’m upset. I can’t totally blame her. I know it is partly my issues and past experiences. After all the friends failing to confide in me, I wondered if the fault lies with me, and that accumulates. Maybe I just give bad advice, or maybe I just don’t look like someone people can depend/rely on. I begin to wonder. Is there something wrong with me?


The most valuable quotes in the book, however, relates to me and occurred randomly. Here are some:

“If a person’s behaviour has a negative effect on your life, you have to communicate with them, share the problem, discuss it, come to a conclusion.” I thought immediately about mum and a friend of mine whose speech was so toxic it bothered me for a long while. I did tell her though, in the end, even though it was futile and the conversation just ended with her telling me to suck it up. There was no conclusion when the person refused to change his or her behaviour. But I guess what I liked about this quote is the confrontational approach to a problem instead of sitting down and bitching about the person behind his or her back. You have to let the person know. As for my mum, letting her know and getting her to change is a tedious process because yknow, it consumes a lot of energy just to talk to her.

But besides talking about heavy themes such as suicide, it does have romance in it, including quirky tips I found helpful hahaha. For example, falling in love occurs when a series of events occur with one person. When you guys hang out repeatedly. It doesn’t just happen by chance. And tips for dating like try listening for 80% of the time and speaking for 20%. Or that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

‘Sometimes you can know something and not know it at the same time.’ (pg205, pg296)
This quote haunts me. It’s creepy because it’s like a self-fulfilled prophecy. You know this would happen to you in future, when you’re not supposed to know, but you just…you just know. Like there’s an unjustifiable knowledge, at the back of your head, you just know. It goes many times for me. People just know their results would be bad when they haven’t received it yet. Some people just know when they would die when death is unpredictable just yet. It’s just a feeling…maybe it would go away..I don’t know. And sometimes, knowing something enables me to ‘live a scene in my head for like a thousand times in various ways and through the eyes of many people in my late night/morning fears’, fearing that one day, it will come to fruition, fearing that one day, the scene in my head would be reality, and if that’s not tormenting I don’t know what is. In the book, when it finally did come to fruition, Christine Rose said ‘but I didn’t think it would actually come to fruition’. ‘Sometimes you can know something and not know it at the same time.’

What a dark thought.

Unbearable lightness

It has been rarely so early that I have sat down to write. Over the past week, my head has been flooded with so much thoughts, its impossible to pen them down. I have been feeling its burden, wanting to unload, but every single time I sat before a blank document, no words came out, my mind as empty as the paper before me.

The past week has been relaxing but not very good to me. Aside from that, I’ve been feeling accomplished that I have completed reading two books, Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi (Ellen degeneres’ wife), and How to Fall in Love by Cecelia Ahern.

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I read Unbearable Lightness first. From the start, I knew this book has saved people from anorexia, and I knew I had to take it seriously. Portia wrote mainly about her eating disorder and coming out as gay, and how she lived a life of pretence in the past, hating who she was. It’s such an amazing book.

Previously this year, I didn’t know much about eating disorders etc. But this year I watched “TO THE BONE” played by Lilly Collins and found that I didn’t understand the mind of the bulimic, I couldn’t relate to why people binge and are so scared to eat. I mean, previously, all I knew was eating disorders happened to people who starve and binge because they don’t want to get fat, and that’s about it. But reading this book…Portia takes me through the thoughts—her thoughts of a bulimic, her fears, how she measured each and every ounce of food and counted every single calorie like it was a math homework. I struggled grappling with the truths and the thoughts—I found it crazy, ridiculous even, how people can count every single calorie like that, that doesn’t make sense. I mean, I don’t even look at the nutritional info at the back of a candy bar…let alone count calories.

So that was interesting. My understanding has always been there, but books like these made me more empathetic I would say.

“Nobody can really get inside the anorexic’s mind like the anorexic. I abused my body. I had bulimia. I used (diet drug) fen-phen. I wanted to talk about all that,” she said.

I’m so glad she brought me through her thought process, her train of thoughts because if not I would never have empathised and see eating disorders from that point of view. For instance, I never knew people suffering from eating disorders love food. I thought they hated food and that’s why they don’t eat. They hated food because it makes them fat. But I was so shocked to learn that food is like the ‘forbidden fruit’ to them, and it is because they could not have it that they love it so much.

I also loved the perspective of being constantly at war with your own body. In an eating disorder, you LOSE when you have a lack of self-control. When you binge and eat, you are your own enemy. They get satisfaction when they exercise, work out, and limit themselves to a certain number of calories. There’s a voice in your head, telling you to get on the treadmill. Portia remembered an incident when she was 12, where someone made a remark body shaming her and she said that voice in her head stuck around for so long, till she was 24. She remembered it because it is not something you can just forget. I counted. It stuck around for 12 years for her. I thought I was the only one having voices from my childhood haunting me for years. Turns out everyone is just the same. I wondered if the voice in my head since I was 9 years old would stick around for 12 years too. After all, it had already stuck around for 11 years. I wondered when it will ever go away, and thought about those lucky people, like Portia, whose voice went away in the end. I guess I just wondered when it will ever be my turn.

But what I can relate to is the obsession with weight and food here. I have been there, thought the situation was a bit different. I was 14, and because I wanted to gain weight so badly (I was skinny as a stick), my mum forced me to down large, huge portions of food I could not finish. After eating so much, I still remained skinny. Others see it as a blessing but I don’t think you could when people are giving comments like “too thin”, “my, you could be blown away by the wind!”…comments that do not seem like a compliment to me. I thought, “What’s the use of eating when food cannot even help me gain weight? It would just be a waste of resources and money.” My mum still forced me to eat large portions. No results were reaped. As a result of rebellion and repulsiveness, that led me to hate food and obsess over portions. It took me a long time to tell myself and see food as something enjoyable, nutritious, a gift from God to humans to stay alive—that’s it. It took me a long time but I finally did come to appreciate food: that’s the correct attitude we should all have towards food, develop a healthy love for it and that’s it.


Another main theme in the book of Portia struggling being in the closet. Her mother would accept her being gay but at the same time encouraged her to keep it a secret. Portia wrote that she was also angry, that her mother cared more about how she looked [to her relatives, to the eyes of the public] than how she felt or who she was. I can relate to that. Many times my mother has told me, “Don’t post this on Instagram, later   *inserts friends’ name here*    might see and tell her mum (my friends’ parents are usually friends with my mum), and then later her mum would think that that we are very _____”. Complete the sentence yourself. It would always usually be negative adjectives, like “very rich”, “very wild”, “very show-off” etc.

I have told her I disliked it. Luckily, it got better but I would never forget the rage I had. Why should I live my life based on other people’s standards? I told her Instagram is my passion, posting photos are my passion, and I’m not about to give something so precious over to the subjectivity of public scrutiny. Even if they did say and think something, I would ignore it. My mum used to struggle more with what people think as compared to me.


But most of all, the deepest parts of the book that resonated with me has nothing to do with eating disorders. They were her struggles for self-worth, and her constant strive for accomplishment, for perfection. Portia’s perception of herself as a whole.

She spent her whole life trying to change who she was. She changed her name, her accent, her nationality, pretended to be straight by marrying a man and tried to be skinny. She convinced herself that being in Los Angeles was better than being in Australia. “…I was trying to find a reason for having had to escape from the place that was my home. To convince myself of my choice, I had to make it a place that everyone should want to escape from.”

I find it hard not to relate this to myself. Portia was just nineteen when she left Australia and flew to America to audition for a role as an actress that she wasn’t even sure if it was what she wanted. I’m twenty when I left Singapore and flew to Sydney to pursue a career in the media industry. It’s funny the country Portia tried so hard to get out of, I wanted to get in. Singaporeans called it “Australian dream”. Its also funny the country I tried so hard to get out of (Singapore), foreigners all over Asia are scrambling to get in the prosperous city-state.

Is it really the grass is greener on the other side?

I don’t deny that, similar to Portia, I wanted to escape from my birth country. But it wasn’t because that I was not proud of her. It was more because of my desire to see the world at large. Unlike her, though, I do not need to convince anyone and make Singapore a place that everyone should want to escape from. Many of my peers already think that way. It is not common for youths to complain, “Aiyah, Singapore so small, so boring, so hot all year round, everything is so expensive” and the desire to escape, to get out, is common, as a matter of a fact. Whoever got out was envied and admired by many.

“Lucky you,” they said.

But Australia? I don’t see why Portia wanted to get out of Australia. It is big, vast with natural, beautiful landscapes to go trekking or do lots of activities. The cars and houses are cheap. They have the 4 seasons. Weather is good. However, America—the land of the free—presents itself as endless opportunities from showbiz to entrepreneurship. New York, California, Los Angeles, its where everyone makes it big. That’s the ultimate dream. I guess, the common point between me, her, and possibly all human beings: we just wanted to get out of where we are from. We desperately wanted change, that we think a new place would bring a new and better life (this is not entirely false, though).

However, one of my favourite quotes in the book was when she was back in her home country, Melbourne:
“We just need to silently acknowledge that we were home, that we were where we came from, that for that moment we didn’t need to live in another country just to feel accomplished. We were okay just as we are.”

I feel the fear kicking in. The fear when, one day, all this will end and I will be called to go home for good. It would be just like a dream, and as cliche as it sounds, like Cinderella. I’m contented now and I’m pretty sure 2017’s uni life has been the best semester of my study life so far. However, that fear…that fear of losing all this one day has led everyone scrambling to try for a post-work VISA. I know I’ll never get it (complicated immigration issue), and it seems unlikely I will stay. I know all of this stems from the belief that we need to live in another country to feel accomplished. The pay here is higher, the car is cheaper, more things to explore, shorter working hours, better lifestyle….on and on.

I am struggling very hard to stay humble because I can see that living here makes me better off than all my other peers in Singapore. Okay, before you bash me, I know it’s probably subjected to personal opinion, but this is my opinion after weighing both sides of the coin. Coming overseas to study with scholarship, I had suddenly become my parents’ pride. And who doesn’t want to make your parents proud? Who doesn’t want to hear your parents speak well of you?

You will be missed and loved by your parents. You are no longer remembered for your flaws, because you do not live with them anymore and they don’t have to face your messy room, you breaking your curfew, and your obscene language. Instead, they start to see your qualities instead of picking at your flaws as compared to when they were living with you.

“Oh, my girl is so independent now. She cooks her own meals.”

“I’m so proud, she went there by herself, not knowing anyone in the country, she’s so brave to step out there.”

That’s what all mothers say about their children who go overseas, trust me.

Your relationships with family improve because they miss you and become more tolerable. You don’t have to face nagging from your parents, so you guys don’t fight anymore. All is good. In the past, familiarity breeds contempt. Living with a person (even family) is the worst way to show your flaws to the person. Now you’re gone, they’ve learnt to appreciate you. You learn to appreciate your mum’s warm meals after coming home. You appreciate your dad’s hugs. You miss your parents, and suddenly nothing feels as important as kinship anymore.

What I’m saying is, living away from your hometown leads one to romanticise kinship and their relationships they once had.

Suddenly, when you return back to your hometown, you’re “the girl who came back from abroad” and will be the talk at dinner parties and gatherings. People will ask you, “How’s Australia?”, “How’s America?”, and the more attention u received compared to people who never left home.

In short, I love this quote: “We just need to silently acknowledge that we were home, that we were where we came from, that for that moment we didn’t need to live in another country just to feel accomplished. We were okay just as we are.” because it grounds us. I have seen people come back from their overseas studies and become a complete bitch, looking down on those who did not venture out. They walk with an air of arrogance, like all high and mighty, knowing they have had more experience interacting with foreigners, exotic people, more travel experience; they are self-sufficient, with heightened cultural capital and knowledge, unlike their low-profile peers. This is true. But don’t do that. Because we are where we come from, and we were okay just as we are.

如梦人生

读了“戏剧浮生”之后就觉得演艺圈和 design industry 都很相似:两种都是一门艺术,多少都要靠才华,其实书中提出的东西我都可以relate的。

“。。。我是一个喜欢思考的人,爱胡思乱想,即使自己一个人坐着,也可以不断思考,跟自己说话。” I do think a lot. I hate spouting nonsense. Wherever I’m alone, I find my mind whirring at top speed, like a helicopter’s rotor blade when its in the air. The engines and gears in my head, I could almost feel them, and it hurts sometimes but other times its overwhelming good. I think I conceive about 3-4 thoughts/ideas/words in just 10 seconds. It’s scary sometimes.

“所以有人问我下一步怕不怕失败,我会说我不怕,因为人生总会失败,我也只是在经历着。将来是否成功,从来没有保证,那就让我们经历吧!” 认为这个面对成功与失败的态度是非常值得我们学习的。If you don’t try, you’ll 100% fail. But if you try, there’s at least 50% chance of winning, I tell myself. There’s no guarantee that we’ll ever succeed in this life, and some people really do die without achieving anything much in life—it would not be safe to say that “we’ll eventually get there”. But think about it: failure is also an experience. And isn’t a fulfilled life to keep on experiencing and learning different things? If so, does success really matter?

Another thing whom the book addressed was my dilemma of choosing your own clients and projects I prefer versus the idea of taking in any work I could just for the sake of money. As designers, we are always on the lookout for exciting projects. Projects that inspires us. That break borders and give us breakthroughs. Brands that we stand for and people whom we are comfortable working with. I believed it was addressed in A manifesto too: do we really want to spent the rest of our lives using our valuable skills to advertise for cat and dog biscuits? We are all people who want to feel relevant to the world in the midst of our work.  “生活的压力和生命的尊严,究竟那一样较重要?” 生活的压力当然指的是金钱上的问题:为了养家,生存,什么client或project 都要接。Beggars can’t be choosers!

The author—he was freelancing for about 4 years, with no contract, no stable income whatsoever. “所以当你在两个月里没开工是,任何一套「烂片」找上门来,你也会立即答应接拍,当时就有很多这样的情绪。” 我太了解了。现在毕业,大部分的时间都在家里,无事所做,不是闷就是restless. 黎耀祥试过整个月只开一天工。在那时刻怎么不会焦急,怎么不会担心生活? 在那时刻,我们不但要把生命的尊严放下,连演员(or 设计师,in my case)的尊严也要放下。

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I designed this about 2 years ago, purpose of it is to urge designers to use their skills for a valuable concept, to make a difference, to change the world positively instead of abusing their skills for meaningless purposes. , 以上的 dignity讲的就是 “尊严” 了。From a student-turned-unemployed person, that has always been my stand. It is indeed painful to watch my status change like this. Some say you cannot choose unless you are at the top, and to get there you must be willing to work for anything. Especially when you’re jobless and doing nothing, you feel so jittery and anxious about your expenditure, and even your usefulness to the society is at stake. How can you then not, accept any design project that is in your way, irrelevant or not to your own interest and values?

“至于你问我现在还会不会接拍一些很「烂」的戏,那当然是不会了。因为没有经济上的需要,我可以做出选择。”

I wish I could have a strong opinion, but I am still sitting on the fence regarding this one. That’s because I feel that your profession—especially if it has something to do with creating creative content—will brand you and also the things you create reflect what you believe in. It’s too precious to be trashed around like that. What are your thoughts?


“…只是自己喜欢罢了,又怎能要求别人进入自己的世界,跟你一起演戏呢?”

我就是一个不好的例子。以前就是幻想朋友能进入我的世界做我的主角。现在发现原来那是一个又蠢又自私的想法啊。你不给你朋友剧本,他有怎么知道如何演呢?就算给了,他有会像电视剧里的人物一样呵护着你吗?醒九感情太完美,怎能要求别人进入自己的世界,跟你一起演戏呢?

We are the star of our own life. Think about it, because we are really the star of our own movie. We are the main character, because everything that’s experienced is centred around us. When people around us don’t act according to your own script, we get disappointed and upset.


pg 50

Then in his book he talks about how he’s okay with death. How he does not fear death because everything he wants to accomplish is accomplished. He views death as an escape, that life has nothing to remain sentimental about. It may sound dull and negative, but I was really intrigued by it. What did he say that wrong anyway? Milan Kundera says that all we live once is once, that if it happens once, we have nothing to be sentimental about it. That is lightness. I don’t think I’m scared of death. Of course, it’ll be good to stay on, because i still have a purpose to live for and things I want to accomplish.


pg 52

“我在思想上是浪漫的,我会将很多事都浪漫化。但不在感情上,而是在思想上,文字上。”

This really struck me, because it really describes me, as if I have been waiting for my whole life for the existence of that one verse. Often mistaken for a romantic, few people know that I’m a romantic only in prose. That I have poetic memory, that I view this world like a film and writes poetry. But not in relationships. I’m not going to deny that I’m a romantic by nature, in creativity and in thoughts. But not towards my relationships. Not towards my lover. That’s not to say I don’t give love, I just don’t give it in a way romantics do.


Pg 192-193

“讲到「感情丰富」时,演员需要对處身的环境有感觉,对身边所有的人,事和地都应该要有情,才能把人间的悲欢离合表达出来。” 无论什么事我都很容易产生兴趣,有深切的体悟。(of courseexcept for maybe maths and engineering) but other that that, I’m pretty open to music, the arts, books, films, history, whatsoever.

It is not difficult to evoke my empathy. and because of that, I dislike apathetic people. So damn selfish and yet I am so scared of them. not because they are heartless, I’m not saying that, because many are not, but because they are unable to feel or see the beauty of life on a whole new level. They understand your problems, but they might not be able to feel it.

书中提到: “人类不停地变,社会和世界都是不停的变”—two fold change。Funny thing that’s the thing I discussed in my Identity Crisis fyp when Nab and I researched on society/humans. Hmmm there are so many more thoughts I want to say about this book, so many things I wish to respond. Overall, it’s just a really good book talking about success, life, failure, death, and everything else in between. Definitely thankful that I have such an insight into an actor’s life and that really helped me to appreciate films better.

Es muss sein

Just then, it dawned upon me that it was your “es muss sein”, your inescapable fate. Weighed down by what the fortune teller said, doing that was not your choice, but you were weighed down by the heaviness of your very fate (or curse). And just then, I also found my “es muss sein”, an unseen force in the universe pulling me closer towards you no matter how far we are apart.

Soul and body
Tereza was a lot like me. Soul stays hidden in the depths of her bowels, quivering, waiting to be awakened. I often felt like my physical life does not reflect what my inner life and soul thinks. It’s often superficial, and my soul not given any opportunity to manifest itself in this world. We conform, and of course, Tereza’s longing was to be a body unlike other bodies, to find that the surface of her face reflected the crew of her soul charging up from below. It was not an easy task: Tereza’s soul was sad, timid and self-effacing; afraid to show itself.

When people ask me what I wanted to do after I graduate, I often find myself tongue tied even though I know precisely what my soul wants. Why is it so difficult to say, “I want to go to third world countries and help underprivileged children”? WHY? Is it because that’s not the norm? I am so frustrated with myself. Why is it so difficult for the very essence of my soul, that lay concealed in the depths of my body to show itself? They say eyes are the windows of the soul. I want people to see the soul through these windows, so why can’t I just allow it to happen?

He beckoned me in a kind voice. Just then, I felt my soul rushing up to the surface through my blood vessels and pores to show itself to him. My poetic memory records things in the most cinematic angles. Like a videotape, it runs and sets the most picture-perfect, movie set for me. Metaphors are dangerous, because the book says love begins with a metaphor; at the point when my mind presses “record” and my poetic memory runs at top speed.

*Poetic memory: a part of the mind which records everything that charms or touches us, that makes our lives beautiful.
**To ladies trying to woo men, remember: Love begins at the point when you can get your first word into his poetic memory. HAHAHHA.


Closed and opened minds

“While people are fairly young and the musical composition of their lives is still in its opening bars, they can go about writing it together and exchange motifs, but if they meet when they are older, their musical compositions are more or less complete, and every motif, every object, every word means something different to each of them.”

My fav quote. Its true. When people meet when they are older, they tend to go through many different experiences already and the way they interpret each word, place, picture or object might not be the same.


“Send him some love and light, then drop it.”

According in Kundera, there are four categories of people.
First category: people who longs for the look of the anonymous public (eg. actresses, models, singers)
Second category: people who longs for the look of many known eyes (eg. attention seekers, life of the party, the most popular person of a clique)
Third category: people who longs for the look of those whom they love (eg. me when i find myself wanting to share every single detail of my life with you, every single moment)
Fourth category: people who live in the imaginary eyes of those who are not present. They are the dreamers.

I would say I belong to the 3rd & 4th category. I would be in the 3rd category if I was given a choice, but sometimes people who are meant to be in your heart will not be in your life forever. For example, the living does not go on living. One might live life according to the wishes of his deceased father. Another might live life knowing that their lover is somewhere not there, even though they have not been physically present from the start. This is when the quote from eat pray love comes in, “Send him some love and light, then drop it.”


I have not completely grasped the whole concept of weight and lightness, of “es muss sein” and do I hope to read up more about it one day. I’ll write a more cohesive book review next time, hopefully. For now, here are my thoughts, out in the open.

戏剧浮生

昨天匆匆忙忙地在 carousell 买了黎耀祥的书,拿到书后不到5分钟, 就忍不住撕开包装….我从不读中文书籍,何况我中文水平又不是说很好。打开来看原来是繁体字啊啊啊!可是人家说读了这本书后会看到一个不同的黎耀祥,何况这名演员把《巾帼一》,《巾帼二》演得这么棒,我怎么能不捧捧场呢。好吧我承认我已陷入沉迷《义海》无法自拔…哈哈哈哈于是毫不犹豫地买下。紧张与兴奋的心情纠结在一起,我翻开了书,手腕手指都在颤抖着。

So excited to read.

昨晚睡觉前还随随便便地翻了翻几页,却无意中被一句话所吸引:“在一站过一站的同时要准备下一站的到来,” 黎耀祥叙述了把戏演得好,演得真的过程。这句话很熟悉么….

“在弹这个音符的同时你就必要想下一个音符的到来!” 这番话在我脑海中响起。

接着又读到,“演员要感动观众,就要必先感动自己。”

“符秀蔚,你这样才不会弹的断断续续…才能用情感来带动音乐,你的旋律才能感动人心。”
读到这里,我就不禁想起古筝演凑,排练的那段期间。虽然很艰苦,但是在舞台上的任务,目的就是要打动人心。

起初买这本书时是想,“哎,戏剧与娱乐圈跟我无关,我简直是个门外汉,随便玩玩看看就好。” 不过阅读就是会在你意想不到的时候让你惊喜。我阅读时才想起我学过古筝:排练,比赛,演出…足足十年(2004-2013)。有几位好朋友都说我很drama. 或者伤心时,矛盾时,他们都说:“omg grace, what drama happened again…” I took it as an insult. To be called “drama” doesn’t simply means “drama” anymore, simply because the word “drama” has a connotation in our society that the person is making a mountain out of a molehill, loves stirring drama etc.

Like, “Oh that girl, she’s very drama one.”
Hidden connotation: Drama queen. Stay away from her. In short, “drama” has a negative connotation in the real life. It also means when someone calls you that, the person doesn’t recognise the pain that you are experiencing, and it hurts a hell lot more if it comes out of the mouth of a good friend. Why? Because he/she doesn’t really understands. Would you tell someone whose mother had just died, “oh sorry for your loss, that’s so drama.” No right???

So why would you tell someone that when that someone is obviously upset and has a right reason to be.

我常常因为被叫“drama”而感到不解。是因为我曾是个表演者么?有关系吗?If I have to constantly evoke my emotions and summon it on stage with me, doing it for 10 years and trying to bring the best feelings into my melody: creating a whole surreal mood, imaginary setting etc, does it affect in the way I carry myself now? 我常常想着是否有带点影响?我记得我很喜欢弹那首《幻想曲》,旋律让我感觉迷迷昏昏的,好像会飞似的。做戏和弹古筝是有关联的。你要弹琴,你就必须做戏。

读到黎耀祥这本书我才领悟到:原来喜剧世界,如梦人生啊。能做戏,给观众说故事,是演员的光荣。书上有一句真的把我虐哭了:“戏里戏外,情假情真,到头来连真假都再也分不开,只希望曲终人散之后,灵魂深处满载着多姿多彩的故事。”我真的很喜欢讲故事,你都不知道我有多喜欢。在设计方面也好,创作方面也罢。人生如戏,戏如人生。每次看戏都埋怨为什么自己的人生不能如戏。

“如果是戏,他就会来了。。。”
“如果是戏,生活就不会闷了。。。”
“如果是戏,做坏事警察也不一定捉到人的。。。哈哈哈”

可是 “世事往往是充满了矛盾与讽刺,参不透,看不通。”其实我不必那么生气别人叫我“drama”啊。不一定是坏事。因为世事就是如此:参不透,看不通。