I feel like a winner

We lay in bed

Your eyes closed

And mine wide open

As I gaze at the ceiling, thinking about all the Lang Leav poems I’ve read

Finally coming true right before my very eyes.

My head spinning in a trance;

Thinking if the universe holds a chance.

I played all the love songs

For the past 3 years, those I’ve sung along

Each felt like a new unfamiliar melody;

That spun the new thread of our destiny.

Your sensual touch,

Lingered at the corner of my eyes

the gentle way you wiped away my tears

Did your heart break for me?

I felt like a winner in design,

because I know every now and then the stars align

it is something I’ve longed for since the beginning of time.

The risks each game bring,

Always complemented a sting.

Waiting for the stars to perfectly align,

is not a risk nor a sign.

 

In real life,

You caught me on a summer eve
Graduation robes, darting breeze
I only saw you in cyber space,
Glossy eyes now in a gaze.

The most familiar stranger is you alone,
Ever comforting, feels like home.
Over attached, I don’t think so
In a world where everyone’s cold.

All the “Could’ves” and “could’ve beens”,
Now amounted to nothing keen.
Promises to meet with 2 years’ patience,
Became nothing but anticipations.

It’s been a while since I wrote a poem. Back then in 2016, I guess? I rather hurt others than get hurt. So when something goes wrong, I blame myself because it is easier to forgive myself for hurting the person rather than hate the person for hurting me. But poems, gosh, these people always haunt my tragic poems.

Air ticket

what if
you bought the air ticket?
what if

i hadn’t had shouted or
told you i weren’t happy?
what if

I’m not coming home but
you’re coming to see me?
what if

life had no place for regret
or disappointments?
what if

we had fought for the ‘could have beens’
and not given up?
what if

you bought the air ticket?

I knew there would come a day

I knew there would come a day
Where the mention of your name would
Provoke nothing
but anger in my friends

I knew there would come a day
Where the mention of your name was
For the sole purpose of storytelling
And nothing of significance would bind it in the eyes of others.

Not the present;
Nor the future
Not what has been;
Or what could have been.

I wasn’t attached to you anymore;
I was attached to the idea of drama
You brought along, though flawed,
When you came into my life.

I was right when I guessed
That I would miss the sadness when it’s gone
I enjoyed basking in my own sadness
As much as I enjoyed basking in your thorns.

Because I miss the smell of cigs
Even though I never touched them
Missed the aftertaste of your favourite beer
On my lips as yours met mine.

Only that I don’t miss you.

I am Beautiful

This is also a poem largely influenced by Pooja Nansi.

I am beautiful because I demand attention.

I am beautiful because I look at people straight in the eye.

I am beautiful because I dare to dine alone.

I am beautiful because I greet myself in the mirror every morning.

I am beautiful because I challenge and respect people.

I am beautiful because I am not afraid to say that I’ve been cheated on.

I am beautiful because I crave art. The kind on walls and the kind in people.

I am beautiful because I make out with my eyes closed.

I am beautiful because I dare to heal by loving other people.

I am beautiful because I fight to live every single day.

I am beautiful because I am trusting even though I was betrayed.

I am beautiful because I am imperfect, but also perfect in my own ways.

I am beautiful,

I am beyond beautiful because

The bible says I’m fearfully and wonderfully made,

and also because I say I am.

Shadow of Death

I no longer feel calm,
as I cry fat, angry tears
with the uncontrollable surge of emotions
rushing through my entire being.
Help,
I’m trembling with
the disgustingly blended mix of emotions
that I can’t seem to identify with
but
It’s so intoxicating I wish to
Punch the door till my fists bleed,
or scream to satisfy the boiling blood
beneath my skin
Shame as a human is ripping open
my chest and it is an
Excruciating pain.

This is a Savage Poem

Credit: Largely Inspired by a poem by Pooja Nansi.

 I don’t blame u of course I can never be
Angry at you I’m no longer mad
Just really sad and hurt and I
Long for you to sit beside me and just
Give me a tight hug

Sometimes it feels like
A hundred times more painful
Than threading my eyebrows I swear
But look at me, I never giggle stupidly any more
I ditched the library and
I went to wear Stussy but so?

See it doesn’t matter how crooked my teeth is now
I got braces as well as a new job in a bar
And yes i went to get new blonde highlights
I went for eyelash extensions but realised
Oh fuck there’s no one to impress and I
Want to dance but you are gone and I am here
Oh I AM STILL HERE look at me I’ve learned to drink
My sorrows and happiness away, i amuse
At black humour and offensive sitcoms
I listen to raps and I buy caps

Then I tried clubbing and I started swearing but sadly,
I learnt the hard way clocks do not stop
So I did what I always loved, I
Watched a LOTR marathon and baby I
I live harder and dreamed bigger
Then I went to Swarovski’s gala dinner

Oh, if you see me now
I am enjoying life I started blogging again
I am living in a fulfilled fashion I spent $151 in Sephora yesterday and I do not regret pampering myself
I went to a vintage cinema with friends and appreciated film I celebrated dad’s birthday
But when I get to write blackout poetry you, you HAUNT MY POEMS and you make me stop

 So, oh if you see me now
Would you
Recognise
Me?